缪斯19

柠檬小蛋糕食谱

 
1.      带上你的悲伤.  Form it into a small ball in your hands.

2.     给柠檬去皮，或者三到五个.  There are so many in your mother’s kitchen, and you have to do something with them.  它们不能就这样在冰箱里腐烂.

3.     Chop the lemons and put them in a saucepan with sugar and water.  煮.  搅拌.  炖.  引起更多的.  It will eventually turn to marmalade.

4.     把你的悲伤加到果酱里.  已经很苦了.  它能承受.

5.     Measure out your dry ingredients in a bowl, mix, and set aside.

6.    Beat up defenseless eggs and butter and sugar until light and fluffy.  Add vanilla extract and lemon zest, and beat 再一次。.

7.     You forgot to preheat the oven, didn’t you?  现在就打开它.

8.    Add the dry ingredients to the wet ingredients in batches, mixing thoroughly and scraping down the sides with a spatula after each addition.

9.    You have a cupcake tin somewhere, don’t you?  Find it, along with the leftover cupcake papers from several Halloweens ago.  那些有头骨的人.

10.   Spoon the cupcake batter into the tin, until each papered cup is half full.  Carefully place a spoonful of marmalade in the center of each cupcake, 然后再涂上一层面糊.

11.    在350度的温度下烤20分钟, or until a toothpick inserted in the center of a cupcake comes out clean except for the marmalade.

12.   While the cupcakes bake, raid your parents’ liquor cabinet.  Pour yourself a glass of the single-estate cognac that your father never had the opportunity to drink, and bring the limoncello to the kitchen.

13.   Beat up another defenseless stick of butter to make the frosting, and add more powdered sugar than you think the butter can hold.  Keep beating it until it’s mostly incorporated, then add a liberal dose of limoncello and watch the alcohol smooth out the frosting as you continue to beat. 

14.   把纸杯蛋糕从烤箱里拿出来.  让它冷却.

15.   Improvise a pastry bag from a Ziploc sandwich bag.  Pipe the limoncello frosting onto the cooled cupcakes.

16.   Share the finished cupcakes with your assembled family.  Everyone agrees that they are delicious.  No one comments on the bitterness of the marmalade inside. 

 

为什么这很重要

            Yu Darvish, pitching for the Dodgers,
            quickly lost two games in the World Series?

            因为他很有礼貌
            当谈到他的失败时
            致球迷和队友? Or—

            因为我年轻的时候也是
            有时被打得很惨
            作为一名投手?

 
为什么这很重要
      
            六十年前
            the leaders of the great city, the university, the hospital,
            the medical profession, the educators believed it “good”
            对于年轻的医生——男人和女人——
            to care one hundred and thirty hours a week
            for people who were indigent, sick, and dying?

           Because their work saved more lives than it cost?         
           Because it was cheap, high quality labor?  Or—
 
           因为现在我知道了
           我们伤害彼此时
           我们对“好”的定义是错误的。?


为什么这很重要

            Two of my children did not call me today?  

           因为他们忙于和别人在一起，
           面对世界，面对他们的问题 ? Or—
           因为我生病了，很孤独?


为什么这很重要

           我听到风扇的声音
            吹在我身后
           我身后没有扇风?

          
           因为我耳朵进水了?  Or—
           因为我要中风了?       

 
这有什么关系

           然后我发现自己在问，
           我在爱情中幸运吗?              

           因为我被压垮了
           伊丽莎白离开后?  Or—

           因为很快,
           如果风扇的声音不是
           遗忘的前奏，
           我就不会这么幸运了? 

 

 

 既然你提到了，

我们如何衡量
缩小生活的宇宙?

它是
in corners and rooms, stairs and square feet?
digital connections and competence, more or less?

它是
in the choice of reusable market bags—
something sturdy and small, for shopping day by day,  
perhaps a souvenir from street markets in Vienna or Bogota?

它是
在位置设置的数量上?  桌椅的年代，
瓷器和餐具?  the telling features of menu and recipes?

它是
in the roads taken or not taken, the time of day for meeting up?         
in opting for a small sensible vehicle, yet hankering for a canvas top?

它是
in keeping the lustrous, brass-hinged Jennie Lind trunk—
maps and notes on journeys taken, others to come?

既然你提到了

我们如何衡量
缩小生活的宇宙
when one’s abiding sense of life is not quite downsized?

我母亲和埃伦·韦斯特

In the hospital I watched them objectify,
reduce her to a large mass of unknown origins,
students coming in to chat and learn from
某个人的结局亲爱的.

谢谢你替我忍受痛苦
离开我的日子.

In another context her assertion could have functioned
作为遗书.  艾伦·韦斯特离开医院
而死.  内化了她不想成为的愿望.

The clinician in each of us wants to reach
out, smooth over the soul, strive for
饱腹感. 

An attachment                      to me.

我有她自己的笔记.

我把它们扔了.  I thought the time she spent on them
wasteful, the categorization, all that mindfulness,
overwhelming inner material that I could have fashioned,
穿越火海. 

The hospital is an object that cannot contain
这个话题.  我一生都知道这种恐惧.
宾语是主语.  My mother was a series of index cards
她记录了自己的感受，
the nurses’ psychiatric notes, treatment plans. 
All these organized around an interior, the self.
不只是部分，而是整个. 

I am a second person from a first person who changed
the first person to a second manic person, then a third depressed person. 
I was interior, then exterior, then interior as exterior. 
她是我的内在，
my mother, the application of a series
精神病学原理. 

My walk through her fire, my inner material.  

愤怒

强迫性进食

保持
你想从我这里夺走什么
我消费和吸收
贪婪地
没有饥饿

隐藏
你在我身上看不到的东西
我添加图层
使不动
穿着盔甲

保持沉默
你不愿听我说的话
我填饱肚子
静静
让我的尖叫安静下来

我长大了
成意义

女不重要

一个医生
换上手术服
在护士更衣室

她放弃了自己的想法
一个男人的演讲
这样别人才会听

担保抵押
房契上有她的名字
她丈夫被列为房主

从她的身体里释放出来
她的孩子生孩子
他们父亲的名字

于是她吃了
吃啊吃啊

没有人敢注意到

减肥

我燃烧我的旗帜
我压制住了我的叛逆
我缩小

不是去走秀的
或者加入欲望的奥林匹克
不应该
就像别人告诉我的那样
个子小，孩子气，被动

安静的

我是一名女战士
累垮了

渺小的

 糖果店

3点左右
他们开始进来
首先慢慢
然后是整个

流需要一个额外的踢
通过

都很特别
迷你巧克力饼干
给新生儿重症监护室的护士
的
在绿色包装中
请告诉我你拿到了
我们今天失去了两个孩子

薄荷口香糖
对医生来说
我加班太多了
等等，今天是星期几?
我想我有个约会
3小时后

a caramel pretzel hazelnut chocolate bar
sticky-salty-nutty
对于血管外科医生来说
who just repaired three ruptured aneurysms
我昨晚梦见了血
再一次。

三杯无糖汽水
给心脏病学的同学
嘿,
至少是节食
我需要保持体重
我星期天要结婚了

至于我?

我偏
敬那些小糖果
你知道
蓝色的
甜的酸的
童年